I’ve always taken care of the past. Writing to my old self assuring him that his battle scars of manhood weren’t in vain. I’ve always written to a future self, with a comforting message that everything I did was so we could be better and have more. I’ve never addressed the present. Maybe it was me not trying to face all the uncertainties about my love life, education, and unprocessed feelings. That was then this is now.
I’m writing to this acknowledge you and to apologize to you.
I’m sorry that you currently feel out of place about our educational choices. I’m sorry we’re not graduating in 4 in years like the rest of our friends but instead 4.5 years.
I want you to know that even though we joke about the honors program being a setup, it’s an opportunity that comes once in a lifetime. We’re the cream of the crop when it comes to the English department. That’s something we’ve always wanted.
I’m sorry I keep exposing you to trash ass men. I’m sorry I keep doing the same thing and hoping to get a different result. I’m sorry when we were 21 I gave our most cherished and precious gift to a perfect stranger. I’m sorry I ever went back to that ex or the guys who never made it out of the talking stage, but still allow them to text us. I’m sorry I didn’t hurt them the way they hurt us. I’m sorry we even still have a soft spot for Idonus, Danny, or Eli. I’m sorry that no matter long it’s been I still answer when we they text us. I’m sorry I play gravedigger to all the moments we want to forget, but allow our thumbs to type the narrative in an iMessage, a Dm, or a Snap hoping to get the admittance of guilt and recognition we longed for. I’m sorry I still let the lesson learned from Victor dictate our interaction and trust levels with other men. I’m sorry for acting on our sexual desires only to regret it later.
I hope you know we talk to God every night not just for a better future and to make peace with the past, but to realize that our present is a gift we get to unwrap everyday. I want you to know the man we talk to God about is coming to us. That the sexual liberation you want isn’t a curse but your right and choice to live life how you seek. I hope you know that remembering the things that broke you doesn’t make you bitter. I hope you know remembering allows you to set in stone how we want to be treated. We will not settle for less. I hope you know that those moments of weakness where you cave and text back are normal. The potential that they have is what made you interested in the first place, but remember undeveloped potential will always be a waste.
I’m sorry I drag up the past. I do it because if I could go back sometimes, I think I would. I would save you from the hurt and look on your face now. I think about the future more than the present because I know the things we’re worrying about now won’t matter and all the stress will be worthwhile. I’m sorry I’ve only paid attention to the outside and haven’t addressed things eternally in a while. I’m sorry you were starting to second guess me.
I hope you begin to realize you are the fruition of your mothers prayers. I hope you come to understand you that you’re allowed to make mistakes and fuck up. I hope you allow yourself to know you’re more powerful when you’re vulnerable. That vulnerability is a benefit and not a burden. I hope you come to know that yes, you enjoy the rainy days, but you’ve laughed more when you danced in the sun. I hope you know I love you more than you know and I’m sorry I haven’t done things to remind you in a long time. I hope you know it’s ok that you want to talk it out. I hope you know that I love you until death do us part. I hope that weight you feel lifting off your chest because you were finally able to put all these feelings into words doesn’t come back. I’m glad that despite all the uncertainties and bullshit you’re still here and haven’t given up. Loved you yesterday, love you still, always have and I always will.